Cryptocurrencies described in less than 5 words

I really enjoyed reading an article on TechCrunch today that inspired me to do my favourite quick-descriptions of some crypto-currencies:

Name	Symbol	Description
Bitcoin	BTC	Digital gold
Ethereum	ETH	Programmable money
Bitcoin Cash	BCH	Bitcoin hype-clone
Litecoin	LTC	Faster Bitcoin
NEO	NEO	Chinese Ethereum
NEM	XEM	Digital asset exchanger
IOTA	MIOTA	Blockchain upgraded
OmiseGO	OMG	Decentralized banking
BitConnect	BCC	Ponzi scheme
Lisk	LSK	Decentralized mobile apps
Tether	USDT	Digital dollar
Komodo	KMD	Decentralizing ICOs
Steem	STEEM	Decentralized Reddit
TenX	PAY	Decentralized debit card
Golem	GNT	P2P software power
Basic Attention Token	BAT	Revolutionizing media's revenue stream
Syscoin	SYS	Decentralized eBay
Siacoin	SC	Decentralized Dropbox
Ethos	ETHOS	Universal crypto-wallet

What are your favourite short-funny descriptions for crypto-currencies? Let me know if you come up with something funny!