Community post
Be a Good Dick.
So I posted something very simple on my Facebook page today.
"Hey! Hey boys, young men, men of all ages. If you see a girl passed out, sleeping, too drunk to walk straight, don't put your penis or anything else in her. Thanks. from Moms of girls and women everywhere."
You see, I have 3 daughters. My middle daughter is 18 and about to leave for college life next weekend. While we were talking about the things she'll need for her dorm room, I realized that I needed to have "that talk" with her. We'd had it before. Many times. Before high school parties usually. You know the one. Where you try to be the liberal parent. Cool. Understanding. Giving them the freedom they so want desperately. While at the same time trying to squeeze in a nugget of common sense. Those conversations you have as you send them out knowing full well they're going to indulge a little. Whether that indulgence is beer, wine, pot.... whatever's in a parent's unlocked liquor cabinet.
"Please, if you're going to drink, just have one or two. If you have that one or two, please don't drive." The reply is usually the same. "I know mom. Geez. I know. I promise. Not too much and Franie's driving home and she doesn't drink."
Then the second stage of that conversation. "Don't end up in a dark room with some random boy. Don't get so drunk that you don't know what's going around you. Don't wear THAT! If you trip ass over tea kettle your tea cups are going to show! Make your own drinks and don't leave your drinks alone in case someone slips you something." And again, the eye roll and drone "I know. I know mom. You tell me this every time I go out."
Part way through the usual list of don'ts and be carefuls, I wondered. Do the mothers of boys go through a similar conversation with them? "Don't get a girl too drunk. Don't put drugs in her drink. Don't take her off the beaten path. Don't treat her like a possession. Remember, just because she says yes to the drink or dance or laughs at your jokes it doesn't mean she's looking for anything else. Don't put your fingers on her or in her unless she either asks you to says yes it's ok. Don't kiss her, cuddle her, take her clothes off, if she's drunk. If at any point she says no, then it's NO. Stop whatever you're doing. And please, please, please... if she passes out - either because she's drunk or tired.... please do not rape her.
Of course, I could never trust that my olders kids friends were getting the same kind of answers to their questions about sex. So, when the topic came up in my house, everyone got the talk. Same goes now. I can't be sure that other moms (or dads) are talking with their sons about not raping girls on campus. So, in the same spirit that I explained Rainbow Jelly Bracelets and Blow Jobs to my now grown kids' friends 10 years ago, I thought I'd open that conversation on facebook.
This was the reply I received from a boy who is 20-ish and dated one of my daughters a few years ago. I think he might have been drunk or over tired? I am not changing his poor grammar and obvious typos...
"Honestly do you really don't need to make this post? because why you you have any guys like that on your fb?? If you really cared you wouldn't hand out flyers, be a participant in local events etc, putting this on fb then feeling good about yourself is kinda the lazy way out."
Well. He did it! He completely changed the way I decided to handle asking boys not to rape girls. That's right! I made a poster. Just. For. Him. But not just for him. Not really. Please, by all means. Share this poster. Print it. Hand it out. Fuck. I think I might even make a few shirts.
Replies (8)
This is supposed to be funny right? I hope so because it had me crcking up.
I'm starting to think your serious. O.o
If someone is fucked up enough to rape someone I don't think your poster and shirt will change their mind. Also, I would say 99.998% of the people in a 1st world country know its wrong and are completely against it.
Do you really believe their is a culture in a first would country that is promoting rape?
I know your only trying to help and look out for your kids but telling them that rape culture and men are going to take advantage of them at any chance is kind of misleading.
Hope I don't come off as to much of an ass, I just find it crazy that instead of teaching your daughter how to defend herself you make a poster. Its like the temporary tattoos they are giving to the girls at the pools in Europe because the rape problem has gotten so bad because of the migrants, a temporary tattoo that says "no" on it is not going to stop a rapist.
At least your telling her not to get to drunk and to avoid falling into bad situations where something could happen but I personally think getting her some mace or a gun and some lessons or even a pocket knife would do more good to protect her from rape.
Dear Skeptic, really? Am I serious? Yes. Deadly. Are you male by any chance? Not to be sexist. But having been a female in high school and in college, and with friends who have been "date raped" or "drunk raped", yes I absolutely believe that in Canada and in the United States we have a rape culture. I think we promote that rape culture by believing that we need to talk to girls about how not to get raped instead of opening talking to boys about not raping. That there are boys and men who think that because a woman didn't overtly and explicitly say NO that the sex was consensual. This is how boys like Brock Turner and his father think it's ok to fuck and unconscious girl behind a dumpster and walk off with 3 months served so he can have a nice bright future. That boys and men who see that happening don't understand the grave and life long damage the rape victim will be living with and how the courts still don't seem to take rape seriously. Why girls are afraid to come forward. Why parents and obviously other people still think it's not necessary to talk opening with boys and men about what rape is. Or what taking advantage is. Until a boy/man rapes for the first time, he is not a rapist. How do we teach them if we are not talking with them? Oh and I've taught my daughters how to protect themselves. But that should not keep us from talking to boys too.
And do I think making a poster is going to help? It helps open the conversation. And actually, the poster was created because a boy made a silly comment about how talking about rape on facebook (posting a comment) is the lazy way to deal with it. With 3 girls and a vagina of my own, I deal with it daily. Personally. Wholly. But he seems to think I need to march or hand out flyers. So I made him one he is welcome to print and hand out.
This is a serious topic! You did a good job covering it with your own flare. I nominated you for project curie :)
If you haven't seen this one before, its a great way to get the same message across-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU
Well it is sexist.
Was that in the past? It is the current year now. Rape is bad and I have never met someone in my life that thinks otherwise.
"Boys" know its wrong to rape just like everyone else. If you actually look at the stats women rape almost about the same as men.
According to the Center for Disease Control, 1 in 21 men report being "made to penetrate" against their will. When "made to penetrate" was included in the definition of sexual violence, the frequency of sexual violence essentially equalized between the sexes - 1.270 million women and 1.267 million men in the 2010 study.
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_report2010-a.pdf
Do we then go around telling women they need to stop raping guys or do we inform the guys on ways to try to avoid it from happening? I'm sure women just as much as men know it is wrong to rape.
I disagree, those assholes that raped someone knew what they were doing and used that as an excuse after to try to justify it to themselves and others after the rape was already done. Are you trying to say that when someone claims they were raped that someone makes the comment "if you didn't yell out no stop when you were unconscious then it was not rape?" No one does that.
consent does not have to be spoken. people can say no without words.
I do not know of one single person that thinks that way. I don't know enough about that situation to really comment in it. All I know about that brock dude is he is a rapist and that one chick online made a video supporting him because he was "hot" and how women should be grateful for getting raped by him. I'm guessing she is a troll, but that is about all I know on that subject. If he is a rapist he should be in prison for life, but that's just my opinion. As I said before I have never met someone that defends rape. I'm sure there is one or two assholes out there but to say everyone is going to rape you and don't learn to defend yourself from it is crazy to me. Telling criminals to stop committing crimes is not a viable option to stop the problem.
Again I have to disagree, I doubt anyone seen that dude get three months for rape and decided, hey its ok to rape. I also don't think people are ignoring the trauma rape victims are left with for the rest of their life. You really don't believe courts take rape seriously? If that was the case then why are their people in prison for false allegations of rape?
http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/man-wrongly-accused-of-rape-finally-released-from-prison/article/2568687
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/11912748/Guilty-until-proven-innocent-life-after-a-false-rape-accusation.html
http://ktla.com/2015/11/23/man-expected-to-be-exonerated-after-16-years-in-prison-dna-evidence-points-to-teardrop-rapist-as-real-attacker/
No one wants to get raped and no one is advocating or pushing a culture of rape. We all just have different ideas on ways to stop it.
I also wonder why they don't come forward and report if it really happened. Maybe it didn't really happen? We can never know from an outside perspective and to try to do otherwise would only be making assumptions about stuff.
We all know what rape is, we all know it is wrong. All boys and girls are told rape is bad. Do you really think parents don't tell their kids rape is wrong because their kid is a boy? Besides, how is talking to someone about something at nauseam going to change the people that already know its wrong but still choose to do it? How many time will you tell someone that if they go out in the rain they will get wet before you realize telling them that wont change anything because they already know it. Telling people something they already know is not solution to fix the problem.
Yes very true they are not rapists. What about women that rape? Isn't that sexist to try to only blame men for all the rape when women rape at the same rate?
The fist couple times talking makes sense, but repeating it over and over does not fix the problem. We are raised in a first world country where everyone knows and is taught that rape is bad. No one is supporting it. The people that do it know its wrong so telling them over and over not to rape is pointless.
That is awesome and great. No one is saying they shouldn't talk to boys. Education is the best thing she could have to protect herself from the shit bags in this world. I feel talking with her about how to avoid getting to drunk, passing out places, not making her own drinks ect it a lot more effective in protecting her then trying to tell criminals about how its bad to commit crimes.
No it shouldn't but boys already are told this stuff non stop their whole life. Maybe it would be a good idea to tech boys how to avoid rape too instead of constantly feeding them this propaganda that men are the rapists and they are the problem when both men and women rape and both men and women get raped.
That boy comes off as a piece of shit. just my opinion. I could never see talking to some ones parent I knew like that.
I think you trying to educate him is a waste, spend that time talking with your own kids, teaching them right from wrong and how to avoid this crap.
Really the only thing you can do is try to give your kids the best information you can to avoid situations like that and if they do arise how to defend themselves and what to do after.
Also at what point does personal responsibility come into play? Don't go get shit drunk with a bunch of assholes and you don't put yourself in that situation. I'm not placing blame on the person that is raped but unless it was someone breaking into a house and raping someone or something like that I would have to think a lot of people put them self in that situation. Obviously #notall but things could have been done to avoid it a lot of the time.
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