Community post
Can You Be A Compassionate Witness?
Just over a month ago, a tragedy happened to a family who live on our street. An 18 year old girl, fell while climbing down a small mountain about 1 1/2 hours north of here.
She was climbing with her identical twin and her twin's boyfriend. Sadly, the boyfriend also died as he attempted to help the first twin who had already fallen.
Left terrified and completely horrified, the surviving twin couldn't climb down and needed to be rescued. She lost her boyfriend and her twin sister on the same summit trip that was supposed to be a fun day out.
We heard this news from news a few days after it happened. We had only just returned from a long road trip and (thankfully) weren't home when the mother hears the news as she apparently wailed at the top of her lungs, in the middle of the night, for hours on end.
Brad and I had only ever seen the Dad; we'd never met the Mum or the daughters. So, when we saw the Dad a few days later, I share my condolences and gave him a half hug - which felt about right for a guy I barely knew.
For several weeks, there were regularly unfamiliar cars on the street outside their house. So, AI felt happy knowing they had people checking on them.
And when I asked another neighbour about them, he said that "they're big church goers, so they have a lot of community". Again, I felt like they had support.
But this morning, I saw a woman sitting alone out the front of their place this morning. She looked old enough to had 18 year old daughters and so I went over to introduce myself.
It was her, the Mum, the woman who had tried for 7 years to have children and finally got twins through IVF.
Despite having only just met me, the moment I asked how she was doing with a gentle, enquiring voice she started telling me how incredibly difficult she was finding it.
It was like she was bursting at the seams with pain and the moment I showed compassion, the dam was ready to break.
I listened. I answered her questions she asked about me. I let her show me photos of her two precious daughters, the one who had died and the one had lost so very much.
Knowing that we would be interrupted by a visitor or a phone call at some point (as that's why she was waiting at the front), I tried to figure out what I could say that might, might offer even the tiniest bit of relief from the pile of pain she was in.
There was no way, even with all the skills and knowledge I have that I could take all her pain away. There was no way that I could help her jump to a place of acceptance of what had happened or gratitude for what she does have.
I couldn't do any of that.
But what I could do is show her that someone cares. Be the someone, on this day, that listens. Be the someone who offers some tiny specks of light as she navigates darkness.
Replies (17)
So terrible!
To be honest, I'm not sure it would be good even if you could take her pain away - because ultimately working through the pain is such a massive part of the grieving process - that will obviously remain with her for the rest of her life. It's all super awful but I'm glad you were able to contribute something to her journal towards healing.
Oh yet again you show deep empathy and compassion. I read about this and my heart broke for them. One of the awful things about grief is everyone else seems to move on and forget whilst your world hasn't even begun to right itself, so showing you care is enough, and not much needs to be said. Xx
I battle with compassion and empathy. Not that I don't feel them, but exactly the opposite. I tend to lose sight of where another person's grief ends, and mine begins (or the other way around). What a terrible tragedy, though. My condolences to the family :(
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It is heartbreaking to read about such an immense loss; I cannot imagine a deeper pain than that of parents facing the loss of their daughters. Sometimes, life hits us with a reality that defies all logic and reminds us just how fragile we are.
It comforts me to know that, amidst this emptiness, they have been surrounded by their community. Sometimes, the most valuable support is not that which is expressed in words, but that which is offered through constant presence and silent care. It is very human and noble of you to feel that concern and relief at seeing that they are not alone. At times when the world seems to be falling apart, knowing that someone is nearby—even if it is just a neighbour you barely know—is a reminder that humanity, at its most basic level, knows how to support those who are suffering.
Thanks !LUV
Agreed. Not helpful to take her pain away. But I tell you what, there comes a point where people's pain is so huge, the weight of it slowly kills them. It's an incredible weight that she's carrying and she'll need way more support, love and skills (and practise with those skills) if she's ever going to heal through this.
!LUV
Thanks, hun. Definitely not a saint. Definitely wasn't sure what to say. But I figured the same - people swamped their house for the first few days. Neighbours sent flowers or well-wishes. Then the visitors trickled to almost nothing. And while it's a whole month later, and others have moved on, I figured there was no way in hell a mother could possibly have 'moved on' only a month later.
I hear you. So many of us have endured so much of our own heartache that this is what we need to work with FIRST before supporting others. Here's to continuing to take the very best care of yourself that you can. !HUG
No way. She'll never ever move on, not really.
Absolutely, truly not that many people will know the pain that she's going through right now.
It's just heartbreaking.
Someone who has gone through a lot would always find it hardest to express. That must have been a relief to just have you listen and express. You did great.
Hopefully, the family would keep on with a friendly circle like you. It's just a hard find.
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Yay!!! !HUG
Thanks for your kind words, @suzn.poudel
Indeed. !INDEED
It makes sense to me logically. I only imagine you can feel it more as a mother. One of the first things she asked me about myself was whether I had kids. Makes sense; she's trying to get a sense of whether I have any clue of the amount of pain she must be feeling. But, thankfully, I will never know. Not really.