If You Must Be A Hyena

There are animals that live in highly structured systems such that the destiny of a given animal in life depends more on the circumstances of its birth. 

So if you want to reincarnate as a Hyena, kindly be a female Hyena, and ensure you enter into the world through the birth canal of a high-ranking female, most probably the alpha female. It comes with uncountable advantages, from feeding first, to protection, to taking decisions etc. etc. Hyenas are both matriarchal and matrilineal in that being a male with a high ranking mother also has some advantages.

This is necessary because hyena daughters inherit the ranks of their mothers. But best of all, be the first daughter. That positions you as the next in line to rule, irrespective of your age, as soon as your mother who is an alpha female dies, you become the leader of the clan by assuming your alpha femaleness, and everybody without complaint, obeys and recognizes you as such.

Female hyenas are stronger than males, so being in charge of the clan comes naturally; the females are more muscular and more aggressive than their male counterparts. 

This is because females have three times as much testosterone in their bodies. As a result, spotted hyena societies are matriarchal. Even baby girl cubs rule over the boys.

In fact being a male hyena cub is next to the worst thing that can happen to any animal. A male hyena cub is treated as an outcast unless his mother is of a higher rank or even the alpha female. Even at that, the female cubs rule over them, the male cubs eat leftover bones while the female cubs eat the best foods. 

It is my considered opinion, even though I am not a scientist, and I have not read it anywhere, but I strongly believe that the hierarchical structure that ensures female cubs receives more attention, is better fed, even breastfeeding, and adversely affects the size of the male.

Contrary to assumptions by many, Hyenas are not foolish and dull, maybe because of their giggling and ‘laughing’. Hyenas don’t just laugh for fun. That laughter is a communication avenue, the pitch and the note frequency (or tone) of a hyena’s laugh can give an indication of its age and social status.

Hyenas are highly intelligent animals whose level of intelligence is thought to mimic the evolution of our own intelligence, with success through complex social behaviors driving brain evolution.

Also, studies show that spotted hyenas can determine the number of other hyenas in a rival clan and decide their best course of action. Similarly, males looking to join a new clan will always join the clan with the least number of other males after doing a quick census. It may not be calculus, but spotted hyenas are able to count.

A hyena’s life is, however, a very tough one. The female spotted hyena uses her pseudo-penis for urination, copulation, and birth, which can make the birthing process difficult—it’s estimated that 60 percent of hyena cubs die from suffocation. 

It is dangerous for the mothers, too; the baby cubs can tear the pseudo-penis lining, an injury that can prove fatal.) Those that do survive to face several hardships of their own: Female hyenas have only two nipples, so litters of more than two have to fight to survive, leaving the weakest cubs to die of starvation.

Add to that, Female spotted hyenas have a pseudo-penis that is basically an elongated clitoris. Some pseudo-penises can grow up to seven inches long, totally besting the average length of the human penis.

The female spotted hyena uses her pseudo-penis for urination, copulation, and birth, which can make the birthing process difficult—it’s estimated that 60 percent of hyena cubs die from suffocation. (It's dangerous for the mothers, too; the baby cubs can tear the pseudo-penis lining, an injury that can prove fatal.)

But those that do survive to face several hardships of their own: Female hyenas have only two nipples, so litters of more than two have to fight to survive, leaving the weakest cubs to die of starvation. Nursing mothers watch their weakest cubs die of starvation without making efforts to save it because that is nature’s way of eliminating weaker offspring because the life of a hyena is a very tough one.

In Hyenadoms, adult males are the lowest of the low. When the male hyena reaches sexual maturity at the age of two, he leaves home and goes to find a new group. This is a violent and vicious process. When the new group's alpha female finally allows the male in, he is welcomed by being constantly harassed and forced to struggle for food and sex.

Because they live extremely hard lives from the time they were born, they evolved to be survivors that is why they are unafraid of any animal in the wild. Hyenas are naturally fearless and extremely courageous; they are good hunters, but also get over 40% of their food by stealing from other predators such as Lions, Leopards, and most especially Cheetahs. They even go about killing off lion’s cubs to reduce competition for food. 

With a vice-like grip and teeth that can tear through bone and tough meat, hyenas have a bite force of around 1,100 psi. Their dual-purpose teeth allow them to shear flesh and crush bone, and large jaw muscles combined with a unique arched structure that protects the skull against the forces generated by their own bite make hyenas particularly efficient scavengers.

When a hyena pack descends on a kill, there are rarely any leftovers. Aside from a Jaguar, Hyenas have a stronger bite force than all other big cats, that’s why Lions, Leopards and Cheetahs, avoid confrontations with hyenas, especially when they are in their numbers. 

Even the great Ernest Hemingway was fooled into thinking that Hyenas are hermaphrodites because of the pseudopenis of the females, that may be the reason he wrote in “Green Hills of Africa” that:

“Fisi, the hyena, hermaphroditic self-eating devourer of the dead, the trailer of calving cows, ham-stringer, potential biter-off of your face at night while you slept, sad yowler, camp-follower, stinking, foul, with jaws that crack the bones the lion leaves, belly dragging, loping away on the brown plain”.

Do you still want to be a hyena