If I Were …

… a tree, a dove, a kitchen appliance, a dancing art critic following along the dancer who snuck his way onto the stage of Bob Dylan’s live performance of “Love Sick,” the guy leading the whole baseball stadium in the national anthem who opts to include a verse or two of “Lift Every Voice And Sing” and/or LCD Soundsystem, someone returning library books or someone deciding to return library books while singing, then I —