Nearly Finished

Throughout my seven years working at this camp, many children have been looking up to me because they say I have made a huge impact on their lives. I have related to them, encouraged them, even acted like them at times. Whether my impact on them is true or not, I owe them all an apology.

The truth is, I should not have been working here in the first place. There was a time where I was a heartless bully that caused pain to a lot of people in school. (This was before I became a Christian of course.) There was one event that sparked me to change forever. One of the kids I used to pick on eventually had leukemia and was hospitalized for months. One day, everyone heard that treatment seemed to be going well and almost everyone was glad for the news. About a week after we heard this news, he caught pneumonia and passed away that night. The last words he said to his mother were that, after what he has been through, he was glad to go. I knew then that I was one of the big reasons that he said that.

Thinking through all the pain I caused to others, there was nothing but guilt and self-hatred. This guilt I held still haunts me today. I have only ever been two things in my life. I have been either a "humble fool" or a "selfish prick". For a long time now, I have "ran away" from things that could potentially lead to pride, and I must say, it was a lot of "running away". I already knew that too much pride leads to all things bad. Throughout my Christian life, pride was the thing I hated the most in this world, mostly because of the things it has made me do. Throughout this time, it pained me to hurt people in any way whether it would be physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

However, in the past few months, I found that I have been hurting people again. These moments were of the emotional matter, but that mattered little to me because it still pains me the same. Many people give me their own personal experiences in attempts to comfort me, but there is a serious flaw in their attempts. I am not them, and I am no where near as good as them. These people have so much faith, something that I always struggled to keep, even the small bit that currently remains. The only thing that keeps me to God is one fact, that if I do not have Him, then I have nothing else worthwhile in my life.

Throughout my years working in camp ministry, I have been a selfless coward. I have never lived up to the expectations God has put out for me. While He expects me to serve others, He also expects me to love them as I love myself. I have never been able to do this, because I always despised myself. Ever since my guilt struck me long ago, I never wanted anything good for myself. Whenever I received good things, I almost never took joy in them. Should pride ever take me again I will become this selfish prick I once was, so I took measures to make sure it never happens again, even if it meant lifelong despair for me.

This person I have become should not have been serving here in the first place. Many children who think they know me will think that I am a good role model, but those children do not know who I really am. At this point, I am trying to make it through the rest of the summer doing the least amount of regrettable things possible. A guy can only take so much disappointment before he breaks, and I have nearly reached my limit. Ultimately, ministry is not about me anyway, but about God. I am okay with making life about Him, maybe I will finally be happy when the end comes around.

I am sorry for making such a miserable and negative blog, but it has been a while since I have written one even though I am still new to this. If there is a lesson to learn from such a blog, then it would be...
to not be like me.
You are not me. I trust that you are stronger than I am, I trust that you are able to deal with the hardships you face. Until I find peace and happiness again, I should not be ministering anymore. At least I have the will to search, so I shall do that. Or perhaps I have not finished facing my own wilderness yet. You know, the wilderness Jesus faced except I am speaking metaphorically for mine. Perhaps I might be set as an example by God. Why this kind of example and what it tells? Beats me.

Make of it what you will.