Fortune cookie fortunes

My dream job would be writing fortunes for fortune cookies. Here are some examples that I came up with. I like to sit, close my eyes, and imagine being at a nice Chinese restaurant and receiving one of these fortunes.

Stay off of my poo sprayed shoes.

You will choke to death on a Hotwheel. Your lucky numbers are 3, 42, 18, 7, and 5.

Everybody hates a loser.

Shup up or shutotop out.

Live life three to four days at a time every other week.

Some days you're the pooper. Some days you're the poo.

You are alone in the universe.

You will carress a virulent dog.

Please succumb now.

Anger is like Klingons. The more you feel it, the more you honor their warrior society.

You will invent a flavorless geopolymer cement for use in marine environments.

Tarzan is a man's man.

Goniad!

Somebody does it better!

Glandular apoxia is your birthright!

You will meet Tweedledon't.

You believe there are thought bubbles over your head.

A culture without art is like a mime.

Crime will pay, in unexpected way.

Why aren't rappers called rappists?

You’ve smelled like a Muppet this week.