Project S.M.I.L.E. Contest: Enough

**ENOUGH** > Is motherhood a sacrifice or a privilege?- Karen Rinaldi

I never know when will I be ever ready to be the perfect mother to my child. When I learned that I am pregnant I was so happy and overwhelmed. I really wanted to have a baby but I am scared of the responsibilities that cater smart parenting.

Welcoming my Angel

October 18, 2017, was my due date to give birth.However, I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia so we immediately decided to give birth earlier to lessen the risk of danger for my baby and for me.

I gave birth to a 2.145 kg. baby girl last October 5, 2017, thru C-Section. My baby was very small and thin, but for me she is the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world. Thus, we named her Maha Lin ( The name was a combination of names the first one is Maha which comes from the name of the angel Mahasaiah and Lin that comes from her grand father Orlino).

I still remember when I first saw Maha Lin, the feeling is unexplainable. I was filled with gladness and unspeakable joy that I already delivered her . But I really felt pain everywhere, my body was in excruciating pain and I was not able to move then I felt hopeless.

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On Being a First Time Mom

I stayed in the hospital for so many days. Maha Lin was doing okay even if she was so little and delicate.She was doing good and latching very fine. When she first sucked on my boobie **I felt that I am in heaven.** Yes, my nipple was so painful but those moments are the ones that I cherished the most and for some reason I do not know how I was able to surpass the pain.

Sleepless nights and my aching body was the real enemy. I was telling myself that I need to be very a responsible mother. There were times I had to argue with my hubby and I just cry out of the blue. Sometimes, for no reason, I felt so alone and that I was in deep despair.

No one can tell that motherhood is an easy breezy task, the struggle is real and most of the time I was crying. I did not learn this from school, there is no course on how to be a perfect new mom to the universities that I do know of. There may be seminars but no actual and real training to go through. There are real challenges along the way, it is a totally different thing.


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Maha Lin's first few months struggle

Whenever Maha Lin was in pain I always cry especially in the instances wherein I do not know what to do. I shouted at my hubby when he is nagging me about what we should do. What the ~~**"F*CK"!**~~. I always wanted to shout and to have a break and tell her **Go back where you came from** due to my frustration.**It is killing me on the inside seeing that my child is crying in pain** and I do not know what she wants or maybe what she needs.  Days become weeks and later on become months, and then I was able to be familiar with her moves. I already know how to check her diaper, make burp after feeding her and to dance and sway with her until she fell asleep (well this is my expertise now). I experienced [postpartum depression](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression) after I gave birth to her.Sometimes I feel that I just want to run far away from all the troubles I experienced at that point. There's always a battle in my mind, and I have to stronghold my sanity over my lunatic tendencies.

Maha Lin's smile is the perfect epitome of bliss that I have in this journey of motherhood.

However, when I see the smile on her face there's always a sense of fulfillment of my being. I feel very different and it feels so good to me that even if everything is wrong I can feel that there is something right. She is waking up my whole being to be responsible and able to be the best parent I can be for her. When I see her smiles every morning I know that she will always make my day. I know that her genuine smile will make my life worthwhile to live on.

My Maha Lin's first real smile says a lot about how happy I am to have her in my life. It is a real sign that she can recognize my face and able to realize that I am special to her heart. I know that her brain and nervous system are maturing to eliminate reflex smiles. Indeed, her perfect smile is a way for her to connect with me and to other people around her. Her smile reflects to express her pleasure like she is saying to me **"Hey Mommy this breast milk really rocks, I love it so much!"**. It is a real form of excitement, contentment, and happiness. I consider her saying to me, "I really love to be in your arms Mommy, please cuddle me!".

Mommy and My Angel Time

 I am always waiting to see Maha Lin's lips curl, I am not getting tired to encourage her to smile always and to have some fun. I am always giving time to talk to her as often as possible. I am frequently making eye contact and smile at her throughout the day. I am always making funny faces and noises, mimic animal sounds and behaviors and blow raspberries on her belly. I am also playing with her favorite peek-a-boo. I am really helping her to develop her ability to regulate her emotions and to learn and learn each day until she grows old.  My Maha Lin will always grin and I know that she will do it again and again. My eyes really brighten up when I see her wide smile on her very cute face. Her gooing sound reciprocates with my beaming smile towards her. And even if I will change her yucky diaper, I am always happy for I know that she has a happy face there waiting for me to give back her healthy smile. Her small giggles and waves of giggling make my heart beat fast and telling myself how lucky I am to have Maha Lin in my life. And I am also excited on her squeals of full-out-belly laughs that shows off her newfound social savvy. I know that my Maha Lin really wants the full attention to her. And I will always give her the best of the best of life.  Maha Lin is already four (4) months old, I know she is already exploring this world and she is jonesing to learn more about the objects that surround her. She is already starting to understand and recognize happy and funny faces. Actually, as my little one, Maha Lin, starts exploring the world, I know that she will be torn at times. One part of her really wants to be fiercely independent and the other part wants assurance from us. 

Her Mommy and Daddy will always be still there for her. And I know the best thing to do is also the easiest: Hug her tight and never let go. She is our life and she is the reason for our existence. I want to be at her side as she explores her milestone of growing up.

My Final Message to my Angel

Since I know that all stored in Blockchain will be in here forever for sure Maha Lin will see it in the future.
I know that even If I face life's trials and problems, I will always have a reason to live, your smile is enough. My sacrifice is a special love that is unbounded by the privilege it carries to be a selfless mother to her child. Truly, you are the reason for me to survive, for me to stay and for me to fight.

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Thank you @hundredlbsbeauty for Project S.M.I.LE. contest, I hope you like my story on my journey as a mother to my Maha Lin.

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