Community post
Stick Me With Needles, Please
For weeks now I've been feeling really depressed. It's not a usual state for me - I usually shake things off quickly. This time I've been as close to wanting antidepressants as anything, but as usual, I'm not convinced they are the answer for me. I get that they are for some people but I think for me they'd create more problems than they solve.
I had been carrying a deep sadness, anxiety and a strange kind of emotional numbness for about a month now, long enough to be worried and be clutching at straws trying to find solutions and pulling out all the tools in the toolbox. My sleep was terrible (which wasn't too unusual, but didn't help). My chest often felt tight. My mind would keep circling over the smallest worries, and I felt totally exhausted.
Psychotherapy didn't seem to fit, though the GP gave a referral and EMDR seemed tempting. I'm wary of creating narratives that stick and I havent' got along with psychologists before that seemed to just want to know what your relationship with your parents was like and whether you've done hard drugs. I could pay myself $200 to answer those questions.
Then I remembered acupuncture, I've always loved it and had success with this modality but hadn't been in years. A quick Google found me someone local and he had an appointment free that week. I wanted to get a woman but of course she was booked out - and this guy used to live in my street and was said to be really lovely.
I detailed to Peter all the stresses of the last few years - some of you know them, Peter asked me to close my eyes and, in his very calm and compassion voice, asked me to drop into my body. It was a way of identifying what I was experiencing. Immediately it felt clear to me that it was a wave of grief over Dad ontop of everything else. This time last year (coming up to his birthday on Thursday and a month out from his death) I was busy buying a house and was distracted. This time my subconscious remembered.
I couldn't stop sobbing. Like absolute blubbering, and I wasn't about to stop. In fact I had to ask him to stop as I didn't want to spend the entire hour crying. That was fine - he felt my pulse, and put me on the table to needle me. I always make them explain what their choices are because I know a little bit about meridians and TCM, and find it fascinating. Honestly, I could lay on a table all day with needles in me. My body just gets this modality.
Rather than simply looking at "depression" or "anxiety", TCM (chinese medicine) seemed interested in the whole picture — the grief, the feeling of being stuck, the poor sleep, the tension in my body, my digestion, my general sense of depletion. His diagnosis and treatment aligned with what I was thinking - all those emotions stuck in my body. The lack of flow.
Afterwards he gave me a prescription of Chinese herbs.The herbs were intended, in TCM terms, to help things move again, settle the nervous system and support me underneath all of that.
In the morning, I woke up and sobbed for an hour when Jamie left for work (thank god, as the poor guy keeps trying to fix me). I let myself feel the grief, let it come, and afterwards got up and had a shower and got on with things. Grief comes in waves. There is no timeline. No way of telling it's coming.
Then something strange happened over the weekend. I got up, went surfing, came home - and felt lighter. It was marked. The tightness in my chest disappeared. I felt - joy.
Honestly, after a month or so, one can forget what joy feels like. I sat in the sun, knitted, read a book. Life felt good. And then the next day, I went flying. It felt like the universe had put a big bandaid on my soul. It felt like hope.
Now, I'm not going to claim that Chinese herbs cured my depression or that crying was some magical emotional detox - I don't doubt there will be more lows and anxieties. But it helped shift something and it was a reminder that TCM is a tool that works for me.
I love how it can look at all of these seemingly separate things - because there is a tendency to look at them separately (here's a tool for grief, here's another pill for lack of sleep) instead of a whole system issue.
Whilst I don't feel totally better, I feel a little more like myself again this week. The world has colour again. The tight grip has loosened a little.
With Love,
Replies (24)
Delighted to hear you're feeling a little better without having to resort to pills or psychotherapy. That's a win.
Right? I seriously fight against both.
You just never know when the grief will hit, or how, or for how long. It's 6 years out and I still get whammed...
I'm glad the acupuncture worked for you. Too needle phobic to use for me, but I used to have a good acupressure person until she moved to Florida...
Ohh, love. <3
Really glad it worked out for you - maybe it also helped that you addressed the problem, and let yourself feel it and so (on top of the acupuncture)?
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so sad! While it's good you managed to feel some joy with the chinese herbs (much better choice than antidepressants), I'd really like to see you try Ignatia 200c, twice a day. This is an especially good remedy for grief. Some people feel relief immediately, or in a few days.
You've got this.
I've always got along with herbal remedies - my system likes them! I had a look in local stores for ignatia - you used to get homeopathic remedies for less than a tenner - but no luck. Ill stick with what's working for me for now, but thanks for your care X
Yeah, I reckon. I didn't even know what I was feeling until I went and something unlocked. Looking forward to tomorrows session.
You're needle phobic?? The acupuncture ones are so tiny you barely feel them. Acupressure is also lovely.
Whammed is the right word!
Yeah, probably a left over from childhood...
I will confess to having moods...so much so that I warn the family when a dark one is upon me. It's very hard to see anything right, when everything is dark. It helps to know that this is a mood, that it will move on. Usually, with me, activity helps. I mean exhausting, physical activity.
Much like goldenoakfarm, I hate needles. Maybe those tiny needles of acupuncture would be tolerable. Usually though, the mood moves on so quickly it would probably be gone by the time I saw the acupuncturist.
Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the grief that is obviously still part of your life. Don't put up with negative talk around you. Seek the sun. I don't know about the herbs. Great if they work (I know one herb that works for me from time to time 😄)
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Thank you @tengolotodo and @topcomment🌺
I'm sobbing as I read that. I'm trying very hard to let it all flow, but everything just seems to keep accumulating. There's not much I can let go anymore. The idea of Lily returning soon? Gone already. The idea of officials actually doing their job? Gone. I know it's going to take a long time and effort, I'm fine with that. But the pain just stays. In the background, but constant. And I'm of course not willing to let go of the idea of being reunited with Lily at all. That would be the last to let go off.
As for therapy, I did so many stuff. I love psychology, the right therapist can do wonders. I did indigenous ceremonies, with medicine and without, TCM too, philosophy of course as auto-therapy. Equine therapy was awesome, too. Ellie does family constellation and stuff like that. There's a path forward for everyone, we just have to find the right method.
Oh darling. I'm terribly depressed still and whilst TCM helps I'm still struggling. We are brave for keeping going in face of all this constant pressure. Even the strongest 💪 of us can struggle with the weights placed on us. Giving you a big hug. A really, really big one. I might just leave a heap of salt water on your shoulder though.
You missed a typo, or you're being kind to me:
.
Stresses. Fucking stresses. Lol
Glad to know that helps, I know the needles are too thin, but how does it feel?
You just reminded me that I still have their cough syrup sitting in the fridge that I bought last year during the flu season. I checked the expiry date and it's still okay so I will take it later. So grateful to my Chinese students, who always suggest TCM. Seems that they always have a natural remedy for every illness!
Yesterday, I spent almost the whole day online reading blogs. Some were really overwhelming. I didn't even get myself to comment, some emotions are just meant to be released. It is like sitting beside someone who finally bursts into tears. You know that feeling... wanting to offer comfort and encouraging words, yet finding yourself silent because you needed the same for yourself, and you had none left to give.
Ah... the full moon... the purge... in astrology.
Listen, if I was to point out all of your typos, you'd mute me.😆
If it were anyone else!!!
That's really cool that your Chinese students know some remedies. I think we've lost a lot of that in our culture and the first thing we turn to is anything we can get at the pharmacy. But herbs can work just as well if not better.
I take solace in the fact that I'm not the only one going through s*** at the moment. There's a few of us on here that are struggling. Thank God for Hive where you can experience a little catharsis.
Full moon hey - oof, it's a strong one!
Aw shucks! So you do love me:)
Indeed I do. Or at least tolerate you a lot more than I do most people.
I just came across your post. I'm so glad that the acupuncture helped your meridians to open up. Grief has a way of sneaking up on you when your body needs to release the pressures of life. I think that with all the planets lining up, the solar eclipses, and the intense energies around the planet have also contributed to the enormous density that many of us have been feeling over the past couple of months. I too, had thought of doing meds for my depression, but I know that it has to be something from within that needs to come to the surface. So, we press through and sleep as best we can, listen to our bodies when we need to be quiet, and take a break from routine. It all helps to get us back to center and allow our energy to balance once again. I feel for you, and believe you will have major breakthroughs going forward. Be strong! ♥
Thanks so much @sunscape. I love Hive for allowing us to be vulnerable with each other and know we aren't alone. I think you are right with allowing things to up and out. My instinct has always been to avoid anti depressants even if it's so bad you actually think about medication! I hope you are on the up too, or at least out of the worst. I think I'm getting there. I've also starting taking some vit Bs which I think helps too. I don't eat much meat you see. I don't think that's the main cause at all, I'm just doing what I can to cover all bases!
I commend you for looking into alternatives. I do the same and do my best to go the natural route. These past few months have been tough for sure. I wish you the best!!!!!