For My, Husband...

Just My Thougts... Letter #1

A Letter to My Husband...

First off, let me start by saying, Thank You. 14 years ago, I took a HUGE leap of faith in marrying you (Now, in my defense, I WAS six months pregnant with your baby and had very old fashioned parents.) but I will own my very poor judgment. That is what I do best. Well, 2nd Best 😉

This letter is not about me though. It’s about you. So, “Thank You”.

WAIT, Don’t stop reading yet! I have made a list for you and we both know how fragile you are so, please continue reading.

Thank you, first and foremost, for our three children. Without them I would have hung myself with one of your Ugly-As-Ass ties long ago. Actually, that’s not true. Without our children I would have divorced you. You would have received the divorce papers, and been like, “What!?!?”

Then, it would state, with examples, (in a very polite way), “Your wife is filing for divorce because :

Reason 1:
Wife rarely has time to get her panties off before you ejaculate.

Reason 2:
Your wife has not had an orgasm in 6 years but cannot tell you due to the years worth of repercussions, guilt , accusations and punishments (from you) involved in doing so

Reason 3:
Your wife is Flat TIRED of watching you Pick Your Nose and Eat Your Boogers! Wife has loaded all of the vehicles with tissues and toilet paper in hopes that it was a “No Other Option” type of a problem, but this attempted solution was ineffective. IE., when, in the car, you would pick your nose and start to eat your booger, your wife would quickly grab the toilet paper and ask, “Would You Like A Tissue?”. Your response Every. Single. Time. “No Thank You.” Thus showing the habit was more along the lines of, a Disgusting-As-Ass Hobby.

Reason 4:
You have spent YEARS trying to convince your WIFE’S parents to be YOUR parents INSTEAD OF HERS. In normal marriages, in-laws can, in time, love their children’s spouse as one of their own. This is Not Normal and, well, Creepy. Your wife’s parents do not want:

• You calling them,
• You Following them,
• The assorted fruit baskets on their porch
• The weekly Chuck Norris jokes taped to the steering wheel of their camouflaged quad
• And, for you to stop sending them the “Bed, Bath & Beyond” BOGO Coupons. They don’t even know what BOGO stands for!

I have more reasons if you’d like me to go on?

SO ANYWAY , Thank You for our children. I am not even mentioning how many times you have told the kids,

“I should get the credit for you guys even being here. Yeah sure, she was there, but I did all the hard work - Believe me - I was there”….

You know how RETARDED you are, right?

So, I don’t know if anyone will read this, but maybe you will ;)

P.S. This separation has been the best three months in 14 years and I am very thankful for that too ;). Thank God for Restraining Orders! Tell your mom I have a P.O. Box now so she can stop snooping in my mailbox! I have forwarded all your mail to the one bedroom apartment you live in… with Your MOM. That is just too funny! You’re 40!!