Community post
Yikes.
When I was in highschool I got bullied pretty badly: ugly, shy, ginger, spotty, flat chested, weird, whatever. Some people might say it was a long time ago, some might agree that ideas put in your head early on in life are super hard to lose.
I have tried so hard to accept the person I am today. I love me. Most of the time. One flaw I admittedly have; certain things will bring back thoughts that are difficult to shake off, and before I know it.. I'm that screaming thirteen year old saying I don't wanna go to school today.
Yano when you can tell you're being a bit crazy, but you just can't slam the brakes?
I can't stand being taken for an idiot. Most of me is too smart. But a lot of me is still an idiot.
(Those aren't real mascara tears btw. I'd just done a deepthroat webcam show and my gag reflex ain't shit. Maybe I do need therapy. Hell, this IS my therapy)
Replies (10)
Sorry for the long tangent
Wasn't a fan of school either, first one was ok.. less bullying went on there, except for 2 people. purely cause there was something they didn't have, which was confidence, the 2nd use to pester me to smack him in the face.. i'm not a violent person. after the 5th day from the incessant pestering, i swung for him.. apologised after.. still after that day, they stopped..
Fast forward to second school. must've been 4days out of 5 i had grief from 1 and their friend, always got close to retaliating physically, didn't due to past learning.. So verbal was best.. it carried on outside school.. school didn't care much, even when it was under their roof, because teachers/adults don't really see it as that bad..
College there was a little going on, but managed to put a stop to fast.. once got pushed into bullying, but it felt wrong, so i changed the tables and turned it around, bullies ended up as friends.. no more rivalry on my watch 😉
Point is when some bully, it falls into a few factors, jealousy mostly, or because the affected is different and happy, an most of all they're unique "as we all are, in our own ways".. Lastly upbringing from their parents, plays a big role in what can sometime shape someone later on.
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I thought I was hideous back in highschool - I still have those deep scars today, and now at the age of 28 am finally getting to the point where I am leaving them behind. It takes conscious and deliberate work to do so, time for your mind to "catch up" with your body.
It's taken a lot of work to get my subconscious and conscious mind to be in sync. That's where a lot of the "I feel fucking crazy but I can't stop it," came from. My subconscious was triggered by a threat response and was doing exactly what it was supposed to do. It needed to fed different data, which required changing how I perceived the world.
This shit is complicated. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with image and self.
And here you are, a beautiful talented young lady, Kurt Cobain said it, we need the tragedy for out art ;)
It is complicated. The minds a fucker and no one really understands it. I have a Buddhist centre in my town that runs meditation and wellness classes, there's one in August about forgiveness and letting go of past hurt, I think I might go
Never apologise for long tangents, I love em! And thanks for sharing :)
Bullying's the worst, but sounds like me, when I got to my last couple of years of highschool, and then onto college, you stop putting up with that shit. I wish young me had had bigger balls ha, but there's lessons to be learnt in everything I suppose. The older I get the more I understand my dad.
I recently got invited to a 10 year highschool reunion.. I'll pass ha. I'm not bitter, just not interested.
end of the day it toughens you up to some extent..
school reunions.. think i got invited to one, but later ones no.. glad because well the place was ok, but some faces id rather avoid..
Absolutely it does.. and as for the school reunion, it's not like I want to avoid anyone, made peace with people (on drunken nights out admittedly) years ago, and I have half of them on facebook.. i just can't think of anyone from school I'm desperate to hang out and catch up with. I just really don't care about their lives ha Apart from some of my best mates, but they don't want to go either
yeah i get how that is... one or two i kept in touch with, even one lived up nr here from the coast.. but rarely hear from now.. weird thing though, is 2 almost next door neighbours i knew moved up here, an hr away.. plus one other a short town walk away.. use to hang around with a bit as kids. but havent seen either in 20yrs.
You go girl. Get what you need and want and go from there. Deepthroat some guy if you like and fuck everyone else. I mean they can go fuck themselves lol. I wish you LOADS wink wink of luck and happiness.
Aaaahh I don't sexwork/webcam anymore so I don't write this blog anymore but sometimes I login for the memories and THANKS SO MUCH for posting a nice comment nearly a year after I wrote this :D I hope you're happy too. Is steemit still good? I kinda wanna come back in a non deepthroating capacity...